After reading Wild at Heart, I began to feel something stirring in me. I wanted to believe it was the Holy Spirit leading me but I’ve never paid attention to these kind of feelings before. Meeting with the guys for coffee, I began to understand that what I was feeling was not unique. In fact it was expected. Seems everyone at the table had been in my spot before.
God was working in me. Just as before, there was a little crack and He filled it. He used the opportunity to let me realize there was more for me here. Something I needed to pursue. I began to talk at coffee a little more, share what I was experiencing. The guys understood. They had travelled a similar road and some explained their own recent growth. Almost immediately I wanted more. More knowledge about our Lord, more time at coffee, and a renewed desire to read scripture.
I have been a Christian my entire life. Many times boasting about how I had read the entire Bible cover to cover. Twice. So proud! But spending my time with this group of men blew me away. I asked. Not a one of them could boast as I could. But they knew things. I mean they KNEW things. They would explain to me that God spoke to them all, in many different ways. We talked about the things they did daily, almost without fail. Read scripture. Hear what they read. Pray persistently. And the real killer for me at the time, spend time talking and praying from a posture of quiet surrender.
Now whenever I read scripture, pray, or just ramble through my thoughts while praying, I start with a few quiet minutes, alone, to empty my head of all the chaos in this life. I literally deeply exhale and consciously attempt to open my heart to Him.
Now what does this mean? We all have a physical heart. It is nearly centrally located in the upper chest. When we experience something extremely painful, like the loss of a loved one, there’s this place in a chest that immediately feels empty, pained, for some making it difficult to breathe. For anyone who had a substance addiction, mine was nicotine, the emptiness felt by withdrawal also feels this way. It is an emptiness only He can fill. It is at the times when we are most likely to turn to Him. This place is where I focus. I want to open this place of pain.
I quickly learned that while all this advice was good, it simply wasn’t working for me. I was advised to do some more reading. I chose 2 additional titles from John Eldredge. The first, Walking With God, gave me great insight into areas that may be impeding my ability to hear God. Then Waking The Dead. A little more intense, especially concerning spiritual warfare.
By now I just couldn’t get enough, fast enough. I wanted to spend every waking moment involved in this process. I became overwhelmed, frustrated, like I was failing. I realized that when I first started with the small group, things were great, but like I always do, I begin to make it my plan, not His.
It was time to slow down, pause, return to what was from Him, not from me or any books I could read. Time for me to rest in Him.
Let’s grab a coffee. The Shepherd is speaking.