God was working in me. Just as before, there was a little crack and He filled it. He used the opportunity to let me realize there was more for me here. Something I needed to pursue. I began to talk at coffee a little more, share what I was experiencing. The guys understood. They had travelled a similar road and some explained their own recent growth. Almost immediately I wanted more. More knowledge about our Lord, more time at coffee, and a renewed desire to read scripture.

I have been a Christian my entire life. Many times boasting about how I had read the entire Bible cover to cover. Twice. So proud! But spending my time with this group of men blew me away. I asked. Not a one of them could boast as I could. But they knew things. I mean they KNEW things. They would explain to me that God spoke to them all, in many different ways. We talked about the things they did daily, almost without fail. Read scripture. Hear what they read. Pray persistently. And the real killer for me at the time, spend time talking and praying from a posture of quiet surrender.

Now whenever I read scripture, pray, or just ramble through my thoughts while praying, I start with a few quiet minutes, alone, to empty my head of all the chaos in this life. I literally deeply exhale and consciously attempt to open my heart to Him.

Now what does this mean? We all have a physical heart. It is nearly centrally located in the upper chest. When we experience something extremely painful, like the loss of a loved one, there’s this place in a chest that immediately feels empty, pained, for some making it difficult to breathe. For anyone who had a substance addiction, mine was nicotine, the emptiness felt by withdrawal also feels this way. It is an emptiness only He can fill. It is at the times when we are most likely to turn to Him. This place is where I focus. I want to open this place of pain.

I quickly learned that while all this advice was good, it simply wasn’t working for me. I was advised to do some more reading. I chose 2 additional titles from John Eldredge. The first, Walking With God, gave me great insight into areas that may be impeding my ability to hear God. Then Waking The Dead. A little more intense, especially concerning spiritual warfare.

By now I just couldn’t get enough, fast enough. I wanted to spend every waking moment involved in this process. I became overwhelmed, frustrated, like I was failing. I realized that when I first started with the small group, things were great, but like I always do, I begin to make it my plan, not His.

It was time to slow down, pause, return to what was from Him, not from me or any books I could read. Time for me to rest in Him.

Let’s grab a coffee. The Shepherd is speaking.

It was a copy of Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul by John Eldredge. Inside the front cover, he wrote an inscription that pierced straight through to my heart. It read:

Dad,

This book has been a display of God’s goodness & love. He used the words of this book to change my life. It has reshaped my understanding of who I am and in doing so he has changed the way I view my wife, son and daughters.

My hope in gifting you this book is not only that you might read it but that it might help reveal who God designed you to be in ways that impact your life & family but mostly your heart.

In love,
Your son

I pray that together we, as men, can impact each other’s hearts & the hearts of our wives & children so that they love the Lord & the world like Christ does.

A few months later my son sent me a text message inviting me to get a cup of coffee with a small group he had started with a friend from church and a couple of others. While I was apprehensive, I accepted. I prayed before entering the coffee shop that I could keep my foot out of my mouth and not embarrass myself or worse, my son. The men in this small group had recently participated in a custom course inspired by the very concepts in Wild at Heart being developed by their men’s pastor.

These young men were realizing that a performance-based, rule-following Christian life wasn’t enough. They were pursuing something I had been completely oblivious to for my entire life - an actual conversational intimacy with a loving Father.

The only way to truly know someone is to be with them and talk with them. I had spent decades talking to God through one-way prayer requests, but I had never learned to sit in quiet surrender and let the Shepherd speak back to me.

Safe Spaces for Hearts

Sitting in that small coffee group with my son didn’t just change my personal relationship with God, it changed my relationship with my son and planted the seed for what Coffee Disciples will eventually become.

True discipleship doesn’t happen in a giant stadium or a classroom. It happens when a few individuals gather together in a safe, transparent environment to share their stories of faith and failure without fear of judgment.

That is our long-term goal here. We want to facilitate the formation of online discipleship groups where people can connect—anonymously at first to ensure safety and vulnerability—to encourage and disciple each other using godly principles.

My son prayed that together we, as men, could impact each other’s hearts. The journey starts by learning to listen to the One who created those hearts.

Let’s grab a coffee. The Shepherd is speaking.

Threefold concept I was oblivious to:
The heart is central to the Christian life. We are invited into a conversational intimacy with God. Spiritual warfare is real.

Scriptural basis for this journey:
John 10. 1-18
We are the sheep following our shepherd. He knows us by name - we follow him because we know his voice. Our shepherd protects us from the enemy. By following our shepherd’s voice, we will have life.

And He said:”Have it to the full”!
The abundant life. Full of love, happiness, and joy, in the land of milk and honey. And this abundant/eternal life doesn’t begin at death. IT STARTS NOW.

Can it be possible that we can really have this kind of relationship with God?

My entire life, my belief system has been that believing, attending church, following the rules, being a person of repentance, and doing a few good deeds will get me to heaven. This is God’s plan for me. But is that all there is?

Our deepest desires and most pressing needs are only truly filled by learning how to have an intimate conversational relationship with the kindest, wisest, most generous and loving father there has ever been or ever will be. Our walk with God is the process of developing the relationship between us and our Father, our source for everything we need, and our only hope. Intimacy with God is THE PURPOSE of our lives. It is the only thing that can fulfill us, giving true meaning to our lives.

Looking backward, I fear I might have been on the road to perdition. Not as if I was not heaven bound but instead like I was waisting or failing at this gift of life He designed for me. But for the Lord! He used my “knowledge” against me. Forced me into situations where I had to choose a path. An how sweet the Lord’s love for me, he made the wrong choice difficult and His path so easy. He slowly changed me into the person He made me to be. Someone who not only knew right from wrong, but became much better at recognizing and choosing His path. Yet I still turned away. It was I, who had become a better version of me, not an image of Him. I felt righteous, but it was self-righteousness. I felt superior to others, my self described moral character was something I could marvel at, but I realized I was still not fulfilled.

Then my Father, my Lord, my God, oh how I needed Him.

In a period of about a year, I went from being in the most ‘in control’ part of my life to facing the possible end of my professional life. How did this happen? But I was in control. I was the one who was doing all the right things.

My heart was in a state of pain, depression, anxiety, disappointment, and unbelief. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I finally realized that I wasn’t in control. You know. That footprints in the sand moment. Where was He?

In my despair, I turned, I looked to Him, but I knew that I had been shunning Him by believing in me, my goodness, my strength, my knowledge. But for Him. In my brokenness, I pled. I begged. I made promises I didn’t know if I could keep. My answer came in minutes. I literally fell to my knees……completely overwhelmed, and seemingly unending tears. I don’t know if I had ever cried so hard in my life or since. I had opened my heart a little bit and He immediately filled it.

Let’s grab a coffee. The Shepherd is speaking.